Mariah Carey’s voice box was hacked by the Russians! (satire)

In addition to hacking the 2016 election, the Russians also hacked Mariah Carey’s voice on New Year’s Eve, causing her to be unable to sing. Amazingly, they also hacked the real-time music track to make it seem like she was somehow still singing. Wow. The Russians are really good hackers.

Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance disaster wasn’t a “lip sync” fail, it turns out: It was the Russians!

I know this because the Washington Post just reported it. In a headline that has since been revised, the WashPost first reported, “Mariah Carey’s lips penetrated by Russian hackers.”

The source for their story was an “unnamed intelligence source with firsthand knowledge of oral penetrations.”

When a spokesperson from Mariah Carey’s organization clarified the issue by telling the Washington Post it was actually a “lip sync fail,” the Washington Post altered its headline to read, “We still think it was the Russians who penetrated Mariah Carey; lip sync conspiracy theory refuted by new intelligence sources.”

In explaining how Mariah Carey’s lips were penetrated by the Russians, the Washington Post explains that someone ran a McAfee virus scan on Carey’s laptop, and some “virus stuff” was found there. Later, Mariah Carey kissed her laptop during a Skype video call with a cute puppy, causing the virus to transfer to her lips. This, the Post explains, is how her lips were “hacked by the Russians.”

CONFIRMED: Donald Trump asked the Russians to hack Mariah Carey’s lips

Confirming the report, President Obama issued a statement, warning that Russian state actors were “attempting to silence America’s most treasured voices” and that Donald Trump actually told the Russians to hack Mariah Carey in the first place.

Further bolstering the report, Washington Post reporters asked each other if they believed the Russians hacked Mariah Carey’s voice box, and they all agreed that’s exactly what happened. Reuters then ran with that story, reporting, “A scientific consensus of journalists confirms the Russians penetrated Mariah Carey’s lips.”

When Mariah Carey insisted, yet again, that she was not “penetrated” and that the entire episode was nothing more than an audio board failure, she was labeled a “conspiracy theorist” by CNN, which brought on an “international security expert” to insist that, “If the Russians can hack Mariah Carey, they might have hacked Milli Vanilli, too.”

Welcome to 2017, sheeple! This is the year when nothing has to be actually true before it’s reported in the Washington Post. Nothing makes sense, no evidence is required to believe anything, and whatever you did that you now regret, just say the Russians hacked your brain.

It was the Russians, by God. For the rest of the year, any time a man gets caught sleeping with someone other than his wife, he can just declare, “The Russians took control of my Anthony Weiner!”